Dr Hermes Reviews - VIDEO WILDERNESS
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FEROCIOUS FEMALE FREEDOM FIGHTERS (1982) (1990) Entertaining but pretty silly stuff, this is from the sophisticated artists at Troma. They've taken a hong Kong wrestling-women adventure film and had the LA Connection dub in their own sound effects and deranged dialogue. The sense of humour here is crude, profane and tastless-- but also, it's often very funny. The original plot help keeps the flick from becoming too disjointed and also allows for recurring jokes. If you liked Woody Allen's WHAT'S UP, TIGER LILY? or the Firesign Theatre's J-MEN FORVER, this is worth a shot. Good for late night parties when the air is hazy and the guests are rowdy.

FIVE FINGERS OF DEATH (1971)

(March 31, 2002)

 Originally titled KING BOXER, this was a surprise international hit when it first came out. Just a year or two later, though, Bruce Lee came on the scene and made kung fu movies over in his own image. Seen today, FIVE FINGERS OF DEATH has dated badly. It's almost a classic example of what non-fans have in mind when they talk about kung fu movies... poor dubbing and broad pantomime acting, giggling villains and excessive trampoline jumps, no apparent budget or screenwriters. The actual fighting is pretty simplistic and unimpressive, with a lot of front kicks and wildly swinging arms. On the other hand, there are some surprisingly brutal moments and a couple of exaggerated villains that are fun to watch.

The hero, Lo Lieh, is (let's face it) a homely guy with a permanent scowl and limited martial art talent. His best attribute is the Iron Fist technique he masters. When he draws on it, his hands literally glow red (courtesy of a small spotlight from off-camera) and suddenly he is able to punch through a wooden post, hit guys so hard they reel back with a red print of his hand on their chests, and even catch a katana blade between his palms-- stopping it cold without being cut (much less abruptly having a double amptation). This was one of the first Hong Kong flicks most Americans got to see and, at the time, it seemed really spectacular and fresh.

Marvel Comics promptly swiped the idea for their own character, a blonde master called Iron Fist. When he drew on his chi, red energy crackled around his fist and he stepped up to superhero levels of power.

THE FLASH (1990) The TV series is reviewed here

FLASH GORDON (1954) A review of the dismal TV series starring Steve Holland can be found here

FORCE: FIVE (1981) (Dec 31, 2005) Phew. This makes you realize how talented and charismatic Bruce Lee really was. FORCE: FIVE is structurally a shameless scene-by-scene remake of ENTER THE DRAGON (director Robert Clouse, not too proud to swipe from himself), but that's not crucial. What matters is that it's done so poorly. The plot and characters are basically a loose framework to string a series of fights in order. None of it works. The choreography and camera work are lame. Not a single punch or kick gives the illusion of contact. Most of the time, it looks as if you could stroll between the blow and its target without getting hit. And the bombastic sound effects are timed wrong, which adds a comic touch. For fans of martial art cinema, however, it has a few things worth noting. Joe Lewis and Benny Urquidez were genuine, no-fooling, break-your-face full-contact champions and it shows in their moves. (Lewis was also in JAGUAR LIVES in his failed attempt at movie stardom.) Hapkido master Bong Soo Han (from BILLY JACK) shows his stuff to good advantage but after his performance in KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE, it's hard to take him seriously. Han's duel with Lewis highlights two very different styles clashing. (The none-too-subtle parallels between the arch-villain here and the Reverend Moon are also of some historical interest.) Joe Lewis in real life could probably beat up anyone you've ever known. He was a good-looking guy, with a Hollywood smile and impeccable muscles. But he had no screen presence. When someone like Charles Bronson or Sean Connery walks into a scene, they immediately take it over without a word. Lewis didn't possess that sort of aura. American movies were looking for a white leading man to star in martial arts action, though, and the failure of Joe Lewis to capture the position left a niche open which Chuck Norris was quick to snatch for himself.

FREAKED (1993)

(April 20, 2002)

Jeez, where do I even begin to explain this one? On the very simplest level, it's a story of three young folk who discover Freekland, a giant sideshow sort of place filled with bizarre varmints. The deranged owner has a mutation making machine which uses toxic fertilizer that turns humans into giant Basil Wolverton creatures, walking eyeballs, a guy with a sock puppet for a head, a hulking Toadman who snatches up a rabbit with his tongue, a literal "Cow Boy", the Eternal Flame (blue flame, if you get my meaning, and much more).

The movie itself is packed as full as it can be with AIRPLANE type gags and puns. A kid opens the door on an airliner, gets sucked out, a man on a wheelchair is pulled out after him, and then a stewardess calmly leans out, pulls the door shut and walks away like nothing happened. There are two machine gun weilding guards who are three foot tall eyeballs; they're called "I and I" and they speak with a Rasta accent. The freak show has exhibits like "Heavy Petting Zoo" and "Feel Up A Corpse." The whole movie deranged is like this; watch it twice to check what's going on in the background of most scenes.

And FREAKED also plays with movie conventional plotting and audience expectations, from the framing device of a Brooke Shields interview with the star freak to flashbacks that pull your leg, to a plane coming in for a landing suddenly blowing up and then the camera pulls back to see our stars saying, "Sure glad that wasn`t our plane." There are some cool low tech special effects... rubber suits, claymation, none of the CGI stuff that is mandatory today, and it gives the flick a distinctive look.

If you like very strange humour that takes three or four steps over into bad taste, rent FREAKED. But I hope the strobing psychedelic credits don't give you a seizure before you even get to watch the movie. [This critter was originally going to be titled HIDEOUS MUTANT FREEKZ.]

DIR: Tom Stern and Alex Winter