IF GOD HAD VOICEMAIL Thank you for calling The Lord's House. Please select from the following options: Press 1 for GENERAL REQUESTS Press 2 for THANKSGIVING Press 3 for COMPLAINTS Press 4 for HEALING Press 5 for HELP WITH THE IRS Press 6 for RAIN or No RAIN Press 7 for MIRACLES Press 8 for WINNING LOTTERY NUMBERS Press 9 for ALL OTHER INQUIRIES OR JUST TO SAY "HI" Press 0 to hear this menu again What if God used the familiar excuse, "I'm sorry, all the angels are helping other SINNERS right now. Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us and will be answered in this millenium. Can you imagine getting these kind of responses as you call God in prayer: If you would like to speak to Gabriel, press 11. For Michael, press 22. For a directory of the other Archangels, press 33. If you would like to hear King David sing a psalm while you are holding, please press 55. Then wait for the beep and enter the number of the psalm you wish to hear. To find out if a loved one has been assigned to heaven, press 62. Enter his or her Social Security number, then press the pound (#) key, enter their date of birth, then press the pound (#) key twice. For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, where Noah's ark is, Darwin, Hitler, the Pope, abortion and UFOs, please wait until you arrive here. Answers can only be understood from a "heavenly perspective." To reach Lucifer, press 666, and your call will be automatically transferred. PLEASE be careful, your receiver may become warm. Our computers show you have already called once today. Please hang up and try tomorrow. This office is closed for the weekend. Please call again on Monday, after 9:30 a.m., but before 4:30 ACST (Absolute Celestial Standard Time). To order any religious material, enter catalog number, quantity and a major credit card number, plus expiration date. For emergencies, refer to the Bible.