Dr Hermes Reviews - VIDEO WILDERNESS
Back to our Contents Page

H

"Who are you? How'd you get in here?" "I'm a locksmith...and, I'm a locksmith." - Leslie Nielsen, POLICE SQUAD!

HARD TIMES (1975)

(July 2, 2003)

My absolute favorite Charles Bronson movie. He doesn`t say more than fifty words the entire picture, but every single one counts and is delivered with complete conviction. This is very much like a Hong Kong kung fu movie of the 1970s incarnated into 1933 New Orleans... the plot, the vividly choreographed bare fistfights, even the big climactic showdown would all be perfectly at home in something starring Wang Yu.

Bronson plays Chaney, a laconic drifter who turns up in the middle of the Depression with nothing to work with except for astonishing punching ability. He hooks up with the shady promoter Speed (James Coburn) and starts earning money in illegal bareknuckle fights. There`s a certain amount of story going on, as Speed inevitably blows the money Chaney makes for him and has to be rescued from a rival who kidnaps him to force Chaney to fight the local champ. And there`s a lukewarm semi-romance with down and out Jill Ireland (sorry, but I have never liked her in anything she did). Also, we have Strother Martin as an alcoholic ex-doctor who joins the team and adds some (sort of) comic relief.

There`s also great photography showing the area as it looked back then, with Cajun cookouts and ferryboats and oyster shucking plants and dismal boarding house rooms ($1.50 a week in advance), and since I enjoy the 1930s ambience for its own sake, the movie is worth watching.

Mostly, though,. there are the fights which are just larger than life enough to be exciting rather than depressing. Each punch sounds like a Colt firing. Chaney plows through opponents, each one tougher than the one before, including the inimitable Robert Tessier. For a guy who had hit 53 when this was filmed, Bronson is astounding. He looks like something carved out of marble, and the weathered bulldog face on top of that body is fascinating. If you like action movies or boxing or Charles Bronson, heck no matter what you like, give HARD TIMES a rental.

Dir: Walter Hill

HAUNTED HOUSE OF HORROR (1969)

Interesting but not really successful little horror film, this was known as HORROR HOUSE in the USA. It must have been a real surprise to some folks who saw Frankie Avalon as the star and expected some light fluff like GHOST IN THE INVISIBLE BIKINI. Nope, this is a genuine slasher flick a few years ahead of the genre's golden age.

A group of London swingers (who are so hip they can hardly stand it) decide to hold a seance in a haunted house, which has been abandoned since a teenager slaughtered his family there.

Disappointingly, there is no orgy, not even a flash of skin from Jill Haworth (drat!), and as the seance peters out, one of the group is unexpectedly hacked to death by an unseen maniac. (The blood here is such a bright red that it slaps you in the face, and in 1969 must have been really shocking.)

Despite the swingers' decision to just quietly leave the matter unreported and unmentioned, some stiff Scotland Yard detectives soon start asking questions, and the kids decide to go back to the murder scene to see if they can figure things out for themselves. Then there comes another killing, this time of a major character who normally could be expected to survive the flick......

One of the joys of this flick is the bizarre styles of 1969 London. Girls wears mini-skirts and go-go boots and have eyelashes that stick out further than their noses. Guys sport paisley shirts, polar bear-fur vests and have shaggy sideburns down to their chins. Everyone smokes in restaurants and grocery stores. It's like watching a STAR TREK episode set in a parallel universe. And I found watching Jill Haworth stroll through a restaurant in a skin-tight really-short powder blue dress immensely gratifying for its own sake.

HAWK THE SLAYER (1980) (April 29, 2003) Dreary medieval fantasy that has Made For TV all over it, from the cheap sets and lame effects to the heavyhanded acting to the failure to do anything new with your basic heroic cliches. Yet still, it can be enjoyed the same way a 1960s Gamera movie can be fun. You have to crank up your imagination about to the point where you feel like writing your own story, and then watch this movie and extrapolate from it. This is much trudging through foggy woods and pointless conversation in the flick, but there is also some action and melodrama, so it`s not all bad. We have a noble, handsome young prince named Hawk (how many advantages could a guy want?) whose main squeeze is killed by his own twisted evil brother Voltan.Now Voltan is played by Jack Palance with an iron helmet covering the left side of his face. You get the same stuff from Palance that you always get, that wheezing menace and skull faced grin; so if you like Palance, you`ll have no problem with his evildoing here. The only even slightly cool things about this flick are the fantasy elements. There`s a sword (with a glowing gem in its hilt) which floats back to Hawk`s grip, there`s a onehanded guy with a machine gun version of a crossbow, there`s a blindfolded witch who`s not above using flash powder to impress the yokels, and there are some fair fights. Two of the heroes are a giant and dwarf (supposedly not mere human freaks but actual members of nonhuman species, you know, like that Tolkien stuff. Only the giant isn`t particularly big or impressive; the dwarf isn`t that small or impressive. And they`re both terrible at delivering their lines..they sound like your hometown Kiwanis Capers. The one cat who does swing is Crow (Ray Charleson), the last Elf bowman. A little guy with pointed ears and an odd accent, Crow is gloomy and deadly, nocking and firing arrows faster than human ability allows. He`s not much fun to be around but okay to watch from the safety of a VCR. His best line is when an Abbess says that the villains didn`t need to slaughtered, they would have left the girls in peace. Crow stares down glumly and mutters, "The peace of the dead."

HERCULES AND THE PRINCESS OF TROY (1965)

(Feb 16, 2002)
 
Not bad at all, this was the pilot for a TV show that never sold.but its production values were high enough that this could pass for a feature from that era. Hercules is presented as a roaming superhero, cruising the Mediterranean in his ship "The Olympian" with a loyal crew and his two sidekicks, the wise skeptic Diogenes and the rather dim beach boy Ulysses. Gordon Scott has always been one of my favorite actors for simple, cheerful action movies (his TARZAN'S GREATEST ADVENTURE and TARZAN THE MAGNIFICENT are a lot of fun to watch) and he plays Hercules with a straightforward, no-nonsense believability. He also ranks right up there with Steve Reeves as a natural-looking impressive bodybuilder.

In HERCULES AND THE PRINCESS OF TROY, our Greek idols intervene to stop a ritual where virgins are being sacrificed to a big crustacean sea beast (and taking a nip on Diana Hyland wouldn't be too hard a chore). The story is okay, but it could have used a little more action. The real problem is the sea beast, a full-size mechanical mock-up in the tradition of THE MONSTER THAT CHALLENGED THE WORLD. It looks cool as hell, but it's soooo slow and unlifelike that this just kills the flick. Scott bravely tries to make his struggle with the sluggish critter exciting, but it's as bad as the old movies where the hero pretended to wrrestle with a stuffed crocodile or rubber python. Too bad, too. This would have been a great series.....

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL (2006)

(May 1, 2006)

An unexpected juggernaut, this was an original TV-movie that premiered on the Disney channel in January 2006 and promptly became an immense favorite of kids between (say) ten and fourteen. I can see why. The message of HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL is to be yourself, don't let other people push you into niches, make your dreams come true, and all that -- how could anyone object to those sentiments? Also the music is so infectious and catchy that it's just ridiculous. Disney songwriters could brainwash people if they wanted to.

The big choreographed dance number at the end is a tradition in film most tweens are not likely to have seen before and certainly not in a show aimed at them. I have a strong suspicion that HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL is a guilty pleasure for many parents as well, who act as if they're forced to sit through it but who secretly enjoy the cheerful energy. And it stars the supercute Vanessa Anne Hudgens, whose earlier films were the depressing THIRTEEN and the abominable THUNDERBIRDS; Vanessa is so appealing that she was the May heartbreaker on my Babemania page (although, since she is a minor, my usual leering comments had to be somewhat restrained). Aside from the inevitable sequel, I'd be surprised if she doesn't enjoy a lively career; her slightly exotic good looks (from being a mixture of Puerto Rican, Chinese and Filipino) give her leeway to play a variety of ethnic roles, always a plus.

The movie has a dozen very cute sequences. Up on stage before a packed auditorium, Vanessa's character freezes up and can't perform. But her partner (who is the star basketball player dreaming of being a singer) reassures her and starts the number "Breaking Free", which is all about being who you are and following your dreams. They start dancing about and belting out the number, the students in their seats are all enthusiastic and it's a big hit. Even the characters' skeptical parents show up to smile proudly at their offspring, a nice touch.

I still don't know whether Vanessa can actually sing or not, her voice is so processed and enhanced that it almost sounds like something created by sound engineers from scratch. Personally, I would have liked to see the kids sing in their real voices and if they're not opera level skill, it would just be more realistic. But ideas like that are why I'm not working for Disney. And the kid who plays the basketball star either is miming to someone else's voice or he is the worst lip syncher I've ever seen.

Boy, Disney know what they're doing. At each commercial break, the cast appear (out of character) and walk through the big dance number one step at a time. They go through it in slow motion, half speed and full blast. You have to smile at the thought of the thousands of teenyboppers across America with the furniture pushed back in the living room, watching the movie and practicing the steps with grim determination. I can picture the mother beaming proudly as the father grumbles and rustles his newspaper (but is secretly glad that at least his daughter is home and safe for the moment).

You know, as cynical and jaded as I like to think I am, how can this sort of show not be a good thing? At the end, all the different factions and cliques in the school have made peace with each other, everyone is delirious with joy, and the entire student body launches into a full-scale Broadway style dance routine. "We're All In This Together" is packed with optimistic slogans ("We're not the same, we're different in a good way") and raw youthful energy. It's got to be better for the kids than listening to hip-hop about shooting cops, slapping hos and hoarding bling, or to depressing modern rock about how much life sucks..

HOOK, LINE AND SINKER (1930)

Just discovered Wheeler and Woolsey, and I love 'em! If you've seen the Marx Brothers and W.C. Fields so many times you can repeat the dialogue, give these guys a chance. Robert Woolsey is a fast-talking, cigar-smoking con man and his chum Bert Wheeler is just a whacko, but they both fire off an unending series of bad puns, wisecracks and seriously off-color double entendres. Instead of the dowager Margaret Dumont, their female partner is teenager Dorothy Lee, who is a complete babe with great comic timing.

The two sharpies take over Dorothy's delapidated hotel and manage to fix it up into a posh resort, but the joint quickly fills up with one lunatic after another. Then two warring gangs of thieves move in to take over, and everything gets completely out of control. These early 1930s screwball comedies are great... fast, inventive, full of little details in the background that are as funny as the main gags.

HORROR ON SNAPE ISLAND (1971)

(Aug 25, 2005)

Also known as TOWER OF EVIL and BEYOND THE FOG. A remarkably poor horror film about a mysterious something skulking about on an abandoned lighthouse, which slaughters some unlikeable teenage tourists and then hacks its way through the group of archaeologists who come to investigate (it seems there may be a Phoenician treasure buried somewhere). One of the least visually appealing flicks I can recall seeing, everything looks cold and wet and filthy. (I know it's a British film, but there must be some warm sunny days there!)

I might as well rant some more about how dreadful this movie is. Aside from the unconvincing rear projection and blatantly obvious sets that are supposed to be outdoors, there are the apalling 1971 fashions and hairstyles. The guys have raging sideburns with more hair than most people have on their entire heads. Then there's the crass lighting, which makes everyone look ugly. There is a lot of nudity and simulated sex, but it's anti-erotic in a flick like this. Ick and more ick. The maniac who turns up finally isn't very impressive -- you see worse specimens in the Hannaford parking lot.Even Jill Haworth, normally worth watching for its own sake, doesn't look her best here.

I saw this movie in a 42nd Street hellhole, back in the days when you could watch four movies for a dollar. The seats were torn, the floor was sticky, and there was likely to be a wino snoring behind you. Still, for a dollar, you could bring a sandwich and a soda and sit through four James Bond or kung fu flicks, or (in this case) a handful of terrible thrillers. At that time, nudity and gore were still novel enough to impress audiences, but some decent acting and directing would have made me happier. Although I did see SUSPIRIA back then, and that made quite an impression...

Dir: Jim O'Connolly

HOORAY FOR HORRORWOOD (1990) For anyone who enjoys the dark side of the screen, this is mandatory viewing. In the dim distant days of prehistory, before cable TV and the VCR (that is, the 1960s), it was Forrest J Ackerman more than anyone else who kept alive interest in the greatest horror films of all time-- the classic black & white flicks of Universal Studios. Boris Karloff, Bela Lugosi, Lon Chaney, John Carradine! The Frankenstein Monster, The Wolf Man, Dracula, the Mummy, the Creature From the Black Lagoon! And a few years later-- Ray Harryhausen, Vincent Price, Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee. Hell, yes! This is the real stuff. Through his magazine FAMOUS MONSTERS OF FILMLAND, Forry brought these wonderful nightmares back to scare and delight thousands of eager young minds. In this video retrospective, he hosts a parade of vintage clips, trailers and interviews. This tape is a thorough delight, highly recommended and a great introduction for new fans. Thanks, Forry, for many hours of reading and viewing pleasure.

HOT POTATO (1975) Oh, no! I remember suffering through this at a Kung Fu Festival in NYC back in the late 1970s and time hasn't made it any more enjoyable. It's a film that clogs the screen as 90 minutes of your life tick away, never to be recaptured. The average martial arts movie resembles X-rated porn in some ways (bear with me here), as both are basically documentaries of performance and technique with a rudimentary framework to hold the "action" scenes together. Normal moviegoing standards are sort of irrelevant. Even from this tolerant viewpoint, HOT POTATO just isn't worth watching. Jim Kelly of ENTER THE DRAGON and BLACK BELT JONES is as smug and oboxious as ever, his limited ability at karate has so obviously been rigged by speeding up the film that it's not even amusing. Come on, look the shelves over a bit-- there must be a better choice. Hey, have you seen any of the Zatoichi flicks?

HOT SHORTS (1984)

Here is a whacky little gem. The loonies of the Firesign Theater (sort of American cousins to Monty Python), took a handful of old Republic serials, edited them down from four hour cliffhangers to five minute skits, and then dubbed
in their own dialogue and sound effects. The result is an hysterical barrage of bad taste puns and sick jokes, hitting you without let-up. Some are better than others but even the weaker segments are fun. There'"Olympic Confidential" (UNDERSEA KINGDOM), "Nazi Diet Doctors" (SHE DEMONS) and "Heaven Is Hell" where neither wants Californians (DARKEST AFRICA). My favorite was "Revenge of the Non-Smokers", where SPY SMASHER mutates into Butt Buster (?!) ["I named mystelf Captain Smoke-Stopper so I'd never forget to remember my name"] This is another tape perfect to slide into the VCR when your guests are starting to look a little blurred around the edges.

(As an aside, the serials were fifteen minute fifteen-part action films, shown one episode a week before the main feature. Republic serials were the best, straightforward marathons of action with the best stuntmen in cinema history. George Lucas and Steven Spielberg took the best aspects from the serials (including the breathless momentum) when they made STAR WARS and RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK)

[Twelve years later, I couldn't agree with my younger self more. For recent serial reviews, go to my CLIFFHANGERS page ]

THE HUMAN GORILLA (1948)

(Oct 12, 2002)

Winner of the Misleading Title of the Year Award, this is not a horror movie. On the other hand, it is a pretty good noir thriller with lots of suspense, shadowy photography and tense moments. Richard Carlson is a private eye trying to locate a crooked judge but to find the guy, he has to get himself committed to an insane asylum. (It seems that the judge has gone into hiding in a luxurious cell in which he is safe from prosecution.) Your first thought about this plan is naturally, what if our hero can't get out again? Things get grim and seem hopeless, and Carlson gives a strong performance as the desperate undercover man, trapped in a real nightmare. Tor Johnson is really scary in a small role (apparently he's the "Human Gorilla"; the movie's original title was BEHIND LOCKED DOORS). I'd give this one a chance if you're in the mood for a SHOCK CORRIDOR type experience.

The most gruelling scene is when our hero is forced into a cell with "Champ", a deranged ex-boxer who goes into action whenever he hears a bell. Despite Carlson's best efforts, Champ beats the tar out of him in a scene that's unusually effective because there's no music or exaggerated stunts, just a huge brute whaling on a guy. Tor Johnson has always been regarded as something of a joke because of his association with Ed Wood movies, but here he seems genuinely dangerous and scary. If you think of him as a slow, lumbering ox that would easy to avoid, check this scene out.

Dir: Oscar Boetticher