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LESLIE GREENE (LG): Hello, everyone, and welcome to America's favorite talk show, The Leslie Greene Show! (applause) The studio lights have been dimmed, as you can see, and we're taping this very special show at night, because our subject today... is vampires.
AUDIENCE: Oooooooooohhhhh....
LG: Well, I see we have a few vampires in our audience here tonight, or is that werewolves? Must be a full moon out! (laughter) But this is indeed a serious subject, as you'll discover, and our very special guest today is a man who claims to be an actual vampire. He took a red-eye flight from Maine to be here with us tonight. Will you please all give a warm Leslie Greene Show greeting to Mr. Barnabas Collins. (applause) Thank you for being with us tonight, Mr. Collins, and welcome to our show.
BARNABAS COLLINS (BC): Call me Barnabas, please, dear lady. And before we begin, I must compliment you on your accommodations. The hotel menu was not exactly my required fare, but the night maid looked quite appetizing (laughter)
LG: Well, Barnabas, you seem to have quite a sense of humor about your, shall we say, "condition." Let's start from the beginning, shall we? When did this whole vampire thing first happen to you?
BC: Well, Leslie, it was almost 200 years ago, in the year 1795. I had just returned to my hometown of Collinsport, Maine, after an extended business trip to the island of Martinique, and was preparing for my upcoming wedding.
LG: Who was the bride-to-be?
BC: Her name was Josette, a lovely young woman whom I met while in Martinique. She arrived with her father and her aunt soon after my return.
LG: And then what happened?
BC: Josette's maid, Angelique, also arrived. I had been involved with her in Martinique, too.
AUDIENCE: Woof! Woof! Woof!
BC ( looks at their reaction with disbelief): Anyway, she was a beautiful, but extremely jealous, woman with the powers of witchcraft. She tried to start up our relationship again, thinking she would continue on as my mistress after my marriage to Josette. But I knew that wouldn't be fair to any of us, and so I broke it off with her, and she placed the curse of the vampire upon me. (audience commotion)
LG: How awful! What did you do then?
BC: I tried to use my newfound powers to stop her evil plans, but she ended up being responsible for the deaths of Josette and many close family members... (voice gets softer) That's as far as I wish to go with that answer, I am sorry.
LG: (placing a hand on his shoulder) I understand, Mr. Collins. It must be very painful for you to talk about it Why don't we break for a commercial now? We'll be right back after these messages. (applause, music)
LG: Hello! We're back with Barnabas Collins, real-life vampire. We were talking about Angelique, the jealous witch with whom you had a torrid affair on Martinique, and who later made you into a vampire and killed your family and your fiancee. (He glares at her) What eventually happened to her?
BC: She is still around. She is always around. No matter where I go, I know she's never very far away. We are bound for eternity.
LG: I see. Well, Barnabas, on another subject, do you find a lot of skepticism when dealing with others? I mean, we've all heard about vampires in books and movies, but most of us tend to think of them as legend and folklore, not reality. What do people think when you tell them what you are?
BC: (chuckling) Well, Leslie, I don't usually just tell people about it. Those who know have usually discovered it on their own. But I can certainly understand people's disbelief. Before it happened to me, I didn't believe in the supernatural either.
LG: Well, let me ask you this, Barnabas. Since, as you say, you don't usually tell people about your problem, why have you agreed to come on national television to discuss it?
BC: I suppose I felt it was important to help others understand that vampires are "human," too. Besides, I was promised that my voice will be disguised and all names edited out, plus I will not be visible, since I do not photograph. (looks at the audience) And none of you will remember my face after you leave... (audience stares blankly)
LG: (laughing nervously) Of course. Now, Barnabas, I mentioned vampire folklore in books and movies. Do you feel that most of them are accurate depictions of vampirism?
BC: Well, yes and no, Leslie. Every real vampire is an individual - some are good, some are bad, most are a blend of both, just like normal human beings. But we are usually portrayed as purely evil creatures. "Dracula" is fine, but a bit one-dimensional. I did like Frank Langella's performance in the late 1970's version, and "Bram Stoker's Dracula" really captured a lot of emotion. I could see much humanity in both of those versions of the character. "The Lost Boys" had some interesting twists, with its gang of teenage vampires, and I was amused by "Love At First Bite," although I must say that a vampire with a tan seems like quite a paradox. (audience laughter) As for books, I feel that the Anne Rice series is excellent, she seems to have such a feeling for the depth and complexities of the vampire life. I particularly liked the character of Louis in the first book, "Interview With The Vampire." He was much like me, trying to do what was right in the face of a confusing, overwhelming bloodlust. And the film adaptation was striking and well-done, I thought.
LG: And yet, you didn't have anyone to show you the ropes, like Louis' vampire mentor, Lestat. What was it like when it first happened, how did you manage?
BC: Frankly, I don't think I would appreciate a "mentor" like Lestat. He was cruel and sadistic. I had Willie, the man who unchained my coffin and became my servant. Then there was Dr. Julia Hoffman, a very special woman indeed. She tried to find a cure for me. Those attempts failed, but she and Willie brought me friendship and a great deal of help and hope. I... I don't think I could have survived without them.
LG: On that note, we'll take a break. When we return, we'll be joined by a psychologist who thinks that vampirism is "all in your head." Back in a moment. (applause, music)
LG: We're back with The Leslie Greene Show, and our subject is vampires. With us is Barnabas Collins, who claims to be a real, modern-day vampire, and just joining us now is Dr. Veronica Smythe, a psychologist and a skeptic. Please welcome her to our panel (applause). Thank you for being here with us today, Dr. Smythe.
DR. SMYTHE (DS): Thank you, Leslie. It's nice to be here, and a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Collins.
BC: (kissing her hand to audience "awwwww's") The pleasure is mine, Dr. Smythe.
LG: Alright, Dr. Smythe. Let's start off with the obvious question: Why don't you believe in the existence of vampires?
DS: Well, Leslie, it's quite simple, really. There are no studies that have shown any possibility of the "living dead.," if you will, actually walking the earth. It's a fanciful tale, nothing more.
LG: So are you saying that Barnabas Collins is lying to us all, that this is just a hoax like the fabled "fainting spell" on "Donahue" many years ago?
DS: Oh no, not at all! I believe that Mr. Collins is quite sincere in his belief that he is a vampire, but that he suffers from a delusional state.
LG" Delusional, Dr. Smythe? I don't know, Barnabas seems quite rational to me, what do you think, audience? (applause and cheering)
DS: Well, Leslie, people who suffer from these symptoms don't always show it. These delusions can be caused by any number of things - an unnatural obsession with ghoulish books and films, a particularly frightening childhood experience or nightmare, or even a bad overbite (laughter). No, no, I'm serious. In my work, I've seen more than a few cases where bad orthodontics has actually brought about this pseudo-vampiric syndrome.
BC: My teeth are fine, Doctor. Would you like to see....?
LG: Now, now, Barnabas, no biting the guests, please! I don't believe our insurance covers that (laughter)! But, continuing on, what is your response to Dr. Smythe's remarks, Barnabas?
BC: Well, as I said before, I thoroughly understand skepticism, but I can assure her and your audience that it is indeed true... I am a vampire.
LG: Well, it looks as if it's just one person's word against another's. I don't think we'll resolve the question in just one hour. You decide for yourselves folks - is he, or isn't he? Log onto our website at .www.lesliegreene.com to give us your vote on the subject. We'll be back in a moment with questions from our studio audience (applause, music).
LG: (in the audience) Leslie Green here, back again with vampire Barnabas Collins. The bad news is that our psychologist, Dr. Smythe, had to leave us suddenly. We had a momentary power outage during our commercial break, and when the lights came back on, she was weak and feeling faint. Apparently, she developed quite a migraine as well, from the way she was rubbing her neck. (Barnabas grins) We hope she's feeling better very soon. But the good news is... by an overwhelming vote of 92%, our home viewers believe that our guest Barnabas Collins is, indeed, a vampire! (audience cheers) And now, I believe our audience has some questions for you, if that would be alright?
BC: (smiling) Of course...
AUDIENCE MEMBER (AM1 - a young woman) Yes, Barnabas? I'm wondering if all the anti-vampire methods we've heard of - like garlic, crosses, and sunlight - are really true? Would they really hurt you?
BC: Yes, I'm afraid they would.
AM1: Really? Well, what would happen if you ate, oh, say a nice linguini in clam sauce? (laughter)
BC: Well, besides the fact that I can't eat regular food, the garlic in the dish would repel me. If I ate or touched it, it would burn me, just as would a crucifix, or the sun. Besides, I prefer "red sauce..." (laughter)
AM2 (an older man): Mr. Collins, you mentioned earlier that you were chained in your coffin? How did that happen, and how long were you in there?
BC: Shortly after I became a vampire, my father discovered the truth about me. He was grief stricken, and determined to stop me from living as I was. But he couldn't bring himself to destroy me, so he chained me in my coffin in the family mausoleum, thinking I'd remain there forever. I was trapped for 170 years, until Willie came along and opened the coffin in 1967.
LG: 170 years? That must have been awful! I imagine you must have some mixed feelings about what your father did...
BC: Well, I was quite bitter about it for a long time. But I've come to a sense of understanding and forgiveness. He loved me, I know that. It had to be a horrifying thought, to kill his only son. I don't know if I would have been able to do it, if the situation were reversed. But it would have been kinder.
LG: Let me step in with a question of my own. This is a difficult and personal question, and if you don't feel like answering, please say so. Do you wish someone would destroy you today? To be freed from this way of life?
BC: (pausing in thought) No, not really. Dr. Hoffman has been trying out some serums that have been helping a bit, and I am able to survive without sacrificing human life. And I am blessed with some good friends. At this point, my focus is on finding a cure.
LG: Thank you, Barnabas, for your honest and heartfelt answer. (addressing next audience member) Go ahead.
AM3 (middle-aged woman): Yes, I was wondering what you do in your spare time? Do you have any hobbies or other interests? I suppose sunbathing is out of the question? (laughter)
BC (chuckling): Yes, and attending afternoon matinees at the theatre are a bit of a problem as well (laughter). But seriously, I enjoy studying my family history, and listening to classical music. I also like reading Poe, Shelley, Shakespeare...
AM4 (teenage boy): Hey, um, well, you know, it sounds like it could be kinda cool to be a vampire, you know? Party all night, sleep all day, dude! (high-fives his friend next to him) How can I get in on this thing anyway?
BC: No, young man, you don't want to be a vampire. To live only by night, virtually alone (studying the boy) . Never being able to skateboard or eat pizza again.
AM4: What? Ohhhhh, bummer... (sits down dejectedly, Barnabas grins)
LG: Well, we're running out of time, but we have time for just one more question. (addressing audience member) Miss, do you have a question for Mr. Collins?
AM5 (lovely young woman): Why yes, Leslie, thank you. Barnabas, you mentioned someone named Angelique. She sounds like a very special and incredibly beautiful woman. Could it be that you are actually still in love with her? (audience oohs and ahhhs)
BC: (startled and upset) What? No, absolutely not! She was awful, cruel, and...
AM5: I think you do protest too much, Barnabas!
BC: What do you mean... (recognizes her) Angelique????? What are you doing here?! (audience gasps)
AM5: (coming up onto the stage and sitting beside him) You love me, Barnabas! You have always loved me!
BC: Lying witch!
AM5: Pathetic bloodsucker!
AUDIENCE: Woof! Woof! Woof!
BC: Sticks and stones, my dear, sticks and stones...
AM5: I've got your sticks and stones, Barnabas. Didn't you see "The Blair Witch Project?"
BC: (smiling) Oh yes, just like you - low rent all the way.
AM5 (furious) I swear I'll get you, Barnabas Collins!!
BC: Oh really? You and which coven?
AM5: Why you!... (they stand up and continue argueing)
LG: (trying to speak above the commotion) Well, that's all the time we have for our show today. We'd better get off the air before any chairs are thrown or noses broken (thinks) although that would be good for ratings... Well, anyway, please join us tomorrow when our subject will be "Time Travel - Fact or Fiction?" This is Leslie Greene, good night, and pleasant dreams.
BC: Yes, sweet nightmares, witch!
AM5: Ooooooooh! If you weren't already dead, I'd kill you right now, Barnabas Collins! ....
BC: Been there, done that...
(fade to black)
THE END
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