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I believe the problems that come from the gay issues in our society (especially for the gay youth) go far beyond the simple ability to say, "Don't worry about what others think, say or do, and just go about your life with pride and self respect." If it were that simple, then we could use it for all emotional conditions in life and have a perfect utopian world.
"Don't do drugs or alcohol... be stronger than that."
There, that was simple enough... another problem solved.
"Don't get depressed... be stronger than that."
There... another problem fixed.
"Don't worry about the fact that your parents, friends, neighbors, teachers, church and everyone else in the world thinks you're sick because you're gay."
There.... yet another problem solved.
I believe there are much deeper reasons to why teens get so down or upset that they are willing to hurt themselves or others, and gay teens are much more likely to become affected by some of those reasons than the average teen. So... what's happening, and why isn't it a simple problem to fix?
We as intelligent humans are smart enough to know that none of us are exactly the same. We all have different emotions, different abilities, different strengths, different likes and needs, and we all react and feel differently towards situations in life. I think for us to expect all teenagers to handle long term and wide spread persecution in a healthy, logical and mature way, simply because we can point out the benefit in doing so, is asking for major problems, and a little bit unrealistic. One of the biggest problems for gay teens comes from self doubt and low self-esteem. If we could some how assume that those two factors would be magically removed from all people, including kids as young as 10, then we might have a chance to stop depression and suicide among the young gays.
I consider myself to be a very logical person, and a gay individual who personally has several positive things going for me in my life.... but I can remember a time about four years ago when I was a gay 13 year old coming to accept who I am, and becoming so confused and angry with things that I literally hated myself. I also hated God because I truly thought He hated me, and I strongly disliked most of the rest of this world for the same reason. Not exactly a healthy way to think, but it seemed natural and logical at the time. But that was not the kind of person I was, or had ever been. I had listened to and believed in all the lies about how gay people were sick and had some mental disease. I actually believed the religious leaders who said that God looked at me with disgust. Just a short time after I came out in the 8th grade, it seemed very important to me when my friends would laugh and make jokes about me because of me admitting that I was gay. I began to resent the world that I thought had totally rejected me. However, I still tried to control myself, and fought daily to hide my negative moods so that I could act as normal as possible. I kept it all bottled up inside, but I often felt as if I was going to explode. I honestly wished at the worst times that something would happen to me to end my life... but I didn't have the guts to actually pull a trigger myself. At that time in my life, the ultimate end to everything actually seemed like THE logical answer to it all. I didn't have enough experience to know that all the crap I had heard and bought into was just a bunch of lies. Even with loving parents, it was still way too easy with my feelings of hopelessness to slip into that deep dark pit of depression... which is something that can't be turned on or off at will like a light switch, and once it starts, you feel even more hopeless.
That's where so many other kids are today... right now... lost in some dark, gloomy mental / emotional state of depression. Whether they are being rejected and picked on because they are overweight, or too skinny, or gay, or have big ears..... or what ever else... their life is miserable because they FEEL broken, without hope of ever getting better. Call it weak, or call it human nature, but some people simply need help to break out of that pit of darkness, and unfortunately, sometimes the very people who are suppose to help only continue to feed the pain with more lies and prejudice, or because they simply fail to see how desperate the situation can become.
It is so easy for someone on the outside looking in to assume that there is no real serious problem. It is easy for someone who has never been targeted or labled as gay, and then harassed constantly because of it to understand the mental breakdown that can take place in that person's life. We may simply think, "bully", and pull out images of some 6th grade kid who liked to knock smaller kids down on the playground, including you, and then think we have a good understanding of what some gay kid is going through.
But the problems with gay kids being persecuted is not that simple, or ordinary. It is very much a serious situation, which is the very reason that so many gay kids don't make it through to their adult years. There are a lot of reasons why it can be tougher on gay kids than on other types of bullying, but it can be just the same for other teens too, as long as some particular situations are taking place.
Some of the things that may be present in a gay teen's life to make them become depressed, and to make their situation seem hopeless to them are:
• A genuine belief that you truly ARE sick and diseased, and that most of what everyone is saying about you is true.
• A feeling that there is nothing you can do to fix what is wrong with you, and that you will be forced to live your life being this screwed up gay person, whether you like it or not.
• A weak or distant home life situation, and often times the harassment and belittling goes on at home as well as school.
• The belief or feeling that there is no one who really understands you, or that no one really cares one way or the other about how you feel as a gay person... or even what happens to you.
• Living with the constant feeling of fear or dread towards certain people or places that you can't avoid, but that you know will put you at risk of another harassment or threatening confrontation.
• The belief that many, if not most, of the important, knowledgable people of the world are against you, including your school staff, the leaders of most churches, the leaders of most countries or governments, most of your future bosses, many of the friends you grew up with, and many times, even your own flesh and blood family members.
• The feeling that you stand alone, and that even though you know there are other gays and lesbians being harassed around the world, when you are personally being persecuted, you don't see even ONE single gay person other than yourself.
• The never ending feeling that all of the above is what you have to wake up to each and every morning... that nothing is ever going to change, and that this is the life you must endure from here on out.
Much of the above are things that I personally thought and felt for weeks and months, until I thought I would go crazy. Now I have learned enough to know that much of what I feared was just that.... fear, but it still doesn't change the fact for those people who are still caught up in all of it. That is why so many teens lose it, and give in to their depression. It doesn't happen every day, but when the pain for a depressed teen happens to get really bad, or something particularly bad happens, and they are just tired of fighting it all.... that is where we lose lives. Depending on what the individual's personality is like, they may turn their desperate feelings inward towards themself, or.... they may take it out on the world that has made them feel this way for so long.
All I know is that we need to open our eyes and try to do something to help these teens before they simply become another statistic, while we scratch our heads and say, "how stupid that is... how cruel that was... what a dumb waste."
People might be born gay, but they weren't born with fear... and they weren't born with hate... someone had to do something to put those two things there.
The simplest form of genuine love is the ONLY positive thing I can remember from those years that I felt so depressed. I was lucky enough to have a few advantages over some kids, (mainly my supportive family), and just maybe I was stronger than some other kids, I don't really know. What I do know is that I made it through... but only after a long, hard struggle, and only with a lot of patient, caring help from others. However, some kids don't have what I did, and I can remember it well enough to know that if someone would have come to me at that time in my life and told me to simply get tougher and let go of my self pity... it would only have made me even madder, and even more depressed.
It is a sad statistic, but it's very likely that many more teenagers who now feel like I used to feel will never make it to become an adult... and whether it's from their own hand during a really low depression period, or at the hands of some other prejudice person who is blinded by hate.... self pity is only one very small part of the problem in that gay person's life.
All of the above is the ONLY reason I am here now building web pages and spending time posting in gay support rooms.... in an effort to try to break through to some depressed teenager who feels like I once did. To help them see the lies that they feel so depressed about... and to show them that they're not really alone.... that there are people out there who truly understand what it is that they're going through.
Many, if not most of the older gays I have talked to know what it is to feel depression in this way. Some are still there... fighting to get self respect and pride back into their lives. It's hard enough for the adults to win the battle with all the experience and knowledge they have, but to face this self destroying condition when someone is 13, or maybe even younger... now that's a real problem. I don't agree with encouraging self pity, and we all need to learn to believe in ourselves... but there are right and wrong ways to helping someone.... and age and personality has a lot to do with it.
For the people who, for what ever reason, don't really care about the situations in a gay teenager's life, there isn't much I could say to change what you already think or feel. But for those who truly do care, or for those who have either been there, or are going through it now, I hope that by sharing what I have been through, and what I have learned, I can help to make things just a little better.
With love and respect to all.... my best wishes for a new year, and hopefully for some.... a new life.
Garith ~ 12/31/02
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