An essay style communication about the Natural and Biological condition of being Gay
I don't wish to force my beliefs on anyone else. I don't think that does anyone any good. I would, however, very much like to talk about the subject of homosexuality, and share my point of view. After all, since I am gay, I have spent a lot of time searching out answers as to why I am the way I am... and believe me, if I had any chance at all to just think or wish it away, I would definitely be straight as an arrow, too. If you should decide in your own heart that what I say makes sense, then it is completely up to you to form, change or alter your opinions and beliefs, or, to keep things just as they are. You should always follow your gut instincts, and listen to your own heart about whether something sounds right or not. As long as your judgements and opinions are based on fact, truth, and honesty, you can't go wrong. Knowing what's true and what's not is always the toughest part.
When I was about 6 or 7, I started seeing differences between me and most of the other boys that I knew. Not big differences, but the way I felt about other kids just wasn't quite the same. It had nothing to do with sexual arousal feelings at all, but while most other boys wouldn't have much to do with girls, I found that I actually liked hanging out with them. I felt comfortable around girls, like I fit in with them better, or something. Then, as I got a little older, I noticed that I started having strange feelings about some of the other boys, just like the feelings my girl friends were having about boys.
By the time I was 11 and 12, I realized that I was starting to have strong feelings, like crushes on certain boys, and I couldn't figure out why. I didn't like it, and I felt embarrassed about my feelings, but still, there they were, like it or not. I wanted to have crushes towards some of the girls that I knew, but I could only think about them as if they were a sister, or something. I began to realize more and more each day that I was actually and truly gay. As much as I hated the idea, and as much as I tried to change it, I couldn't make it go away. At first I started freaking out inside, getting angry and depressed, but the older I got, the stronger my feelings of attractions towards boys got. I didn't get a crush on every boy, but only certain ones, in the same way that straight boys don't think all girls are cute or hot. My heart told me that I thought some guy in my class was cute, and he would be all I could think about. But my mind told me that I should be feeling that way towards a girl, like everyone else had always taught me, so my brain made me feel guilty for the feelings I had. There I'd be, wanting to fit in like everyone else, but secretly having feelings of being drawn towards some boy that I'd almost pass out from, or pee in my pants if he so much as talked to me.
I soon began hating myself, and my life, and I even blamed God for putting this queer curse on me. I was so mad at God for making me gay that I hated Him, and tried to turn my back on Him. If I didn't have something to hang on to at that time in my life, I wouldn't be here now to write this message. If I hadn't of had the love of my family, and some of my close friends, and especially the love of God, whom I had blamed for so much of my bad feelings, I would have died for sure. Love is the only thing that kept me from killing myself. That is why my motto in life now is LOVE RULES. It, ("Love"), was the only thing strong enough to save my life, when nothing else would, or could have.
Okay, so I learned to stop hating myself, but I was still gay.... and I wanted to know WHY? I began reading, and studying, and trying to figure out what makes people either a boy or a girl, and what makes boys get crushes on girls, and girls get crushes on boys, and even more importantly, what goes wrong when a boy starts liking a boy, or a girl starts liking a girl. I started studying what all of the best professionals around the world had to say about sex, gender, child physical development, child sexual development, and anything else that could help me understand the facts about human sexuality. I read books from medical and psychological professionals, and studied scientific resources on the subject, and after awhile, I began to understand what actually happens, and what makes everything work the way it does.
What I found out really blew my mind. I discovered that I was just one example of a billion different possibilities. No two people are exactly alike in their sexuality, the same way as it is with finger-prints. I learned that when each person is born, the DNA that is present from the very first cell has everything already planned out as to exactly who we will be. The only additional psychological factor of who we turn out to be is from the things that happen to us after we are born. These are environmental factors, and usually help to form our preference for the type of the person we are drawn to, but not the gender attraction. Every strength and weakness, every variation that makes us uniquely who we will be is already set out in our chromosomes - whether we will be left or right handed; whether we will be tall and skinny, or short and fat; whether we have a greater or lesser chance for addictions; what our IQ potential will be; whether we have a talent for art or music or not.
The natural reproductive process in human biology is procreation through heterosexual mating, but there are chemical and hormonal factors which set this process in motion, and just like everything else in nature, there are variations and biological changes that can take place. For instance, did you know that in the early stages of the human embryo growth, there are NO physical differences between a male and a female? Everyone is exactly the same in physical development up to a certain point, including sexually, and then, depending on what your chromosomes say to do, certain chemicals are released in the embryo that causes either male or female genitals to develop. And if those chromosome messages and chemicals get altered in some way from the normal process, a person can develop some of both female and male characteristics. At the same time the body parts are beginning to form, the brain is also being programmed by chemicals as to what gender personality an individual will have. Those can get crossed too, which is why some boys feel like they are actually a girl in a boy's body, or visa versa. In some cases, but not many, there are actually people who have both male and female sex organs, and we certainly can't blame them for choosing their physical characteristics at birth.
Then, after babies are born, they are complete with fully formed sex organs, but they are not sexually mature, so they don't have feelings of sexual attraction or desire. But everything is still planed out in their DNA as to when and how they will begin sexual maturity, which is called puberty. No kid plans when or how they will start puberty, or even what it's all about, but one day, the DNA in their body says it's time to start, and more hormones are released into their body, beginning all the miracles that will slowly change them from a kid into an adult. (NOTE: mental and emotional maturity is still an option well into adulthood) During puberty is when the sex drives begin, and when kids start getting crushes on each other. The kids have very little control over when or who they start becoming attracted to, but it still happens, naturally, just the way their DNA says to. In some cases, there can even be a variation in the usual developmental process that causes a kid to NOT have normal puberty changes, and they stay UN-sexual for a lot longer, or even forever in some rare cases, in which artificial hormones can then be used to get the body change started.
Here's something else I learned. Did you know that there are animals who turn out to be gay too? There are plenty of ranchers who breed animals for a living, and who are very much aware of this reality. Can you imagine paying hundreds of dollars for some bull to breed with your cows, and find out that your new bull only wants to make love to other bulls? That is one reason why ranchers have spent so much money to scientifically research why and how this happens. They want to be able to simply do a DNA check of a new born animal, and know that it is either gay or not, so they will know not to spend a lot of money raising it as a breeder, when in the end, it won't breed any way. (no pun intended) This is a problem with goats, cows, horses, and other domesticated animals.
Animals in the wild are also known to have gay tendencies. Like gorillas, monkeys and many other social animals. There are many variations to the main way nature often works. For instance, it is more common for humans to be right handed, but there are a few left handed people, and no one knows why. It's just a variation in nature. Another example would be that, by nature, humans are suppose to have one, and sometimes two babies at most, at one time. That is why the human female only has two boobs, and cats and dogs have bunches of boobs. The more boobs the mom has, the more suckers she gives birth to. But if a woman should naturally have three or more babies, does it mean that that variation is bad, and that all babies past the second one should be outcast and thrown away? I don't think anyone would want that.
Scientists have also determined that the genetic gay trait isn't just some mutation, like a birth defect. The natural process of sexual variations, such as gay, bisexual, transsexual, or what ever, is something that is passed on through ALL humans. In other words, being gay isn't passed down through the genes from gay person to gay person. Since gay couples don't usually produce off-spring between them to pass the gay trait to, every male or female human has the ability to create a naturally homosexual person, in some form or variation, and to some degree. That is also why a couple can have several kids, and most of their kids will have mostly heterosexual traits, but one or two may have some variation of homosexual traits. Homosexuality has been recognized and noted in every race and class of people, in all climates and conditions, all around the world, and as far back in history as humans have been able to keep records.
I hope that what I have shared makes some sense, and gives you something more to think about. I don't like to look at people as being "us or them".... I see the differences in all people, but I truly think of each person as being in the same human family.
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