My personal experience with coming out to my parents when I was 14 --- by Garith
As far as my parents go, they are very easy going. My dad is sure of himself in everything that he does. He never acts like he knows everything about everything, but I have yet to find anything that he doesn't seem to know at least something about it. My mom is quiet, but a very thinking type person. She is constantly reminding me and Ryan to not be closed minded or too opinionated. They both live their lives with the thoughts and actions of doing good in each situation that comes along. They don't have a prejudice bone in their bodies. They both read and get involved in the latest news, politics, local events, etc. going on. They have been known to talk (not scream) at managers who mistreat their employees, teachers who belittle their students, policemen who abuse their authority, and anything else that seems unfair. My dad only curses when he smashes his finger, or drops a bowl of fried chicken. My mom is the touchy feeling person in the family who helped to make me so affectionate. When she talks to me, she is almost always stroking my hair, rubbing my back, or holding my hand. She kisses me, even at 17, more times a day than I can even count... which I rather like. My dad is huggy too, but not nearly as mushy as my mom.
Now that you know them better, I will tell you more about what happened when I finally decided to open that closet door. When I first came out to a select few friends, back in early 1999, the usual rumors began spreading through my school. It was during the last part of my 8th grade in middle school, just after my 14th birthday. I was in the highest grade at school with only a couple more months left before summer. I felt confident, and if things didn't work out, well... I was only going to be there for a little while longer.
Dumb plan, huh?
At first, I told a couple of okay str8 friends that I was bi, even though I knew for sure that I was gay. I had a longing to actually live the life I felt inside, and stop pretending to be someone that I wasn't. I was tired of makng excuses to the guys for why I didn't have a girl friend, and I felt bad about making excuses to the girls for why I couldn't go out with them. I just wanted to BE myself, and I thought that this was the only way. The problem was, though, that once the words left my mouth, the knowledge that I was gay no longer belonged to just me... it belonged to everyone who had ears to hear, eyes to read, and a mouth to pass it on. I wasn't like the most popular kid in school, but I wasn't some nobody that was unknown in my school, either.
"Did you hear about Garith?..... He's gay, can you believe it?"
"NO... really!!? When did this happen?"
"Last weekend. He told Josh and Becky, and then Susan and Robert over heard them talking about it in the lunch room Monday... and then Susan told her little sister... and then....."
"Oh, man... he seems like such an nice boy, too. What a waste."
I tried to take it back once the rumors started up, but it was too late then. I already had a couple of other friends who had already known that I was gay for awhile, but they weren't telling, since they were gay too. Then it was like everyone was talking about it... I almost expected to hear about it on the 5:00 news. Some people would come to me in the halls and ask if it was true. Others just accepted it as fact, and started making up stories about me doing things with people that I didn't even know. Suddenly, my brother, and my whole family was gay. I was the gay kid, from the gay family, who lived over on Gay Ave.... on the gay side of town.
Oh brother!!!!
It was during this same time that I was having my personal struggles about gaydom and Godliness. I had, unfortunately, listened to many of the "Great Christian Leaders" who were steadily proclaiming that every homosexual was an "abomination" to God. I had already begun to accept the idea that I was going to Hell for the feelings I had inside of me... to love a boy instead of a girl. Needless to say, I was already bummed-out about myself, since I believed that God hated me for being gay, and now, the thought that I might loose the love of my parents if they found out only made everything worse. I hadn't even started my life, hardly, and already everything was beginning to fall apart. I felt scared, alone, depressed and doomed, all at the same time.
The talk at school begain getting worse, so bad in fact that even the teachers were beginning to hear stuff, and that's when I knew that the news of me being gay was gonna get back to my parents. So, I decided to beat the rumors to my home by telling my parents before they heard it from someone else. After all, some of the things being spread around school wasn't exactly the kind of thing I wanted my mom hearing from her friends in the grocery store.
When I told my mom that I needed to tell her something very important, she was afraid that I had done something to get into trouble at school. It took a few minutes for me to build up enough courage to get the words out, but finally, I just swallowed hard and said,
"Mom, I'm pretty sure that.... I'm gay."
Well, she was very relieved that I wasn't in any trouble, but she just sat there staring at me for a long time. I'm sure it was only a few seconds, but it seemed like weeks. Then, she said something that threw me off. She asked me,
"How long have you known?"
I wasn't sure why this would be the first thing out of her mouth, but later I would understand. I told her that I had suspected it for a long time, maybe since I was 5 or 6, but that I wasn't totally sure until about a year or so ago. Then my mom said that she already knew about me being gay, and I figured that I had been too late, and that someone must have already told her. But as it turns out, my mom, and my dad, had figured out that I was most likely gay long before I had worked it out myself... but they were just waiting for me to figure it out on my own.
This meant that I didn't have to really make a confession to my dad, since he already knew also. My mom said that me being gay didn't change one thing about how she felt towards me, and that even though she knew it would cause more problems for me in my life, she knew that I would be able to handle what ever was thrown my way. That one statement from her is what has filled my mind each time something negative happens to me concerning my being gay.
Coming out to my parents was one of the easiest parts about me being gay, but for most other gays, it's the hardest. I honestly think that that is one of the biggest reasons I feel as positive about being a gay person as I do. It was my parents helping to build me up, instead of cutting me down, that has made everything so easy for me. If they had rejected me for being gay, instead of supporting me the way they do, I can't even imagine where my life would be right now.
My brother has always followed the way my parents feel about me and about homosexuality, as to how he thinks and feels about things himself. He cuts up with me, and calls me his little faggy brother, but he is always smiling in a joking way when he says it. When ever we get mad at each other, my being gay is never a weapon he uses against me to hurt my feelings. To my brother, I may be a dumb ass, or a butt head, or a number of other undesirable things, but I'm never some fag because of his anger. Ryan also stood up for me when I was starting high school as a gay freshman and he was upper classman.
THAT was a scary year!!!
Altogether, my home life didn't fall apart just because I came out. In fact, in many ways, it only got better. I felt as though a ton of bricks had been lifted from my shoulders, and I no longer had to hide one of the biggest parts of who I am from the one's I love so much. My parents were able to help me deal with the religious bigotry that had turned me against myself. It felt great to know that I could be gay, and still be a good person that other people would want to love. And, I no longer had to feel guiltly and shameful every time I ran into a cute guy. However, it IS a little embarrassing when we're out at a restaurant eating, and some really good looking guy walks in... everyone at the table turns their head and looks at me to see my reaction.
My parents genuinely love me, and it is their love that helped me to be able to love myself again. I truly feel sad about all the other kids out there who don't have families like mine, but the main thing is, they actually aren't any different from me. They are STILL just as okay as me and everyone else, and they STILL deserve to be loved...
just like everyone else.
Being gay isn't a handicap.... but not knowing how to love is.
(10/21/02)
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