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Then be your afraid-of-not-being-accepted self. Next be your polite self. Then be your inquisitive self. Be your pretentious self but only briefly. If you don't have a pretentious self (yeah, right) this is when you can be your I'm-fairly-confident-that-I-can-understand-just-about-everything-about-me-and-most-of-what's-going-on-in-the-world self. You will most likely come to your try-to-belong self. Then be your I'll-hug-a-man-but-not-that-guy self. It's OK to be your I'm-not-really-that-much-into-drumming self. Then you can be your what's-with-these-dicks-on-that-little-table self and then your is-this-an-all-gay-group self. Then you can be your is-this-guy-talking-about-me self. There will be an opportunity for your what's-this-magician-king-shadow-shit self. Next be your what-the-fuck-am-I-doing-here self along with your I-am-different-from-these-guys self. Inevitably you will hear something that will bring you to your I-can't-believe-he-said-that-about-himself self. Your I-m-not-sure-I-can-open-up-like-that self.will follow. Then you can be your afraid-that-my-true-self-will-be-recognized self closely followed by your afraid-that-my-true-self-will-be-recognized-and-rejected self. Eventually you can be your I-really-need-to-speak self. Then it's the where-can-my-statement-fit-in self quickly followed in rapid succession by what-I- have-to-say-can-wait-besides-I-don't-want-to-interrupt-this-flow self and be your don't-ever-step-on-toes-of-others self after which you can then sink into the my-thoughts-are-not-that-important-to-the-group self. There will come a time for your damn-I-got-to-shower-with-other-men self and your no-masturbation-today self. After another drumming you can be your what-an-amazing-group-this-is self and the I-want-them-to-feel-I'm-on-their-wavelength self. Permit yourself to be your at-last-I-finally-said-something-anything self. Again it's the is-this-guy-talkng-about-me self. Again, be your pretentious self if you need to but only briefly. And you can be your these-jeans-are-faded-naturally-I-wonder-if-anyone-notices self. Then it's time for the damn-where-have-I-been self followed by your recognition of your I-haven't-been-me-the-REAL-me self. Next allow your let-a-part-of-the-real-me-be-exposed self speak. Maybe followed by the thanks-for-the-listening self but don't be surprrsed if another man says something that brings you to your why-does-he-confront-me self along with the he-doesn't-understand-me self. But that probably won't happen but if he does, there's the I-can't-be-here-if-I'm-going-to-be-disagreed-with self are more likely your ain't-conflict-exciting self will emerge. During any part of the weekend you will likely experence your I'm-really-scared-of-looking-like an-asshole self. Then you will likely remember your come-to-think-of-it-being-an-asshole-is-a-part-albeit-a-small-part-of-who-I-am self. If you don't have a I'm-part-asshole self (yeah, right) you can again be your pretentious self but again only briefly. You will enjoy discovering your I-didn't-know-that-mythological-stories-were-about-me self and the I'm-deeper-that-I-ever-thought self. There will probaly come a time during the retreat that you will realize that is perfectly safe to be your scared self even if it is coupled with your angry self. If you don't have a scared self or angry self (yeah, right) it is perfecty acceptable to be your pretentious self but again briefly. You'll recognize your I'll-open-up-as-much-as-I-damn-well-please self and you'll want more time for your mindful self. Later will come the God-I-love=drumming self along with your I-wish-I-could-scream-like-that self, your I-have-a-need-to-share-my-poetry self, your every-man-in-the-world-needs-a-hug self and your these-retreats-really-need-to-be-longer self. Finally comes the if-only-I-could-fully-and-completely-express-myself-and-if-others-fully-understood-me-I'd-be-some-kind-of-a-leader self. That, dear king, is true. Ed Tedrow, Snake Clan, New Orleans Men's Center. Spring Retreat April 22, 2005 King's Arrow Ranch |
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