ABOUT US
Roberto was born in 1935 in a small town west of Tijuana, Mexico. At the age of three, he started working at the local sneaker factory. He saved all the money he made and built a boat. In 1938 he departed for the United States and finally landed in 1974. Hungry, he opened a small diner in Pustalupa. He sold the business in 1973 and went to high school. He dropped out in 1975 and started college in 1982. He was expelled from college in 1992 and went to work for a western telemarketing firm. He was fired after 10 years when it was discovered that he did not speak english. He went back to college and graduated with a degree in Packing & Shipping. He is currently married with 17 children ranging from the ages of 1-3.
Jon was born in 1902 in the big city. He was sent to jail at the age of 2 for breaking little Timmy's toy truck. While in jail, he learned of the teaching power of the television. In 1978 he joined the military and was sent to a small eastern island. He fixed a television while there and watched it for 18 years. He has never went to school. He likes to whittle. He has given all of his children to Bob due to a bet he lost. He has never forgiven little Timmy. He enjoys eating paste.
Bob is the guy who thinks he is a genius, hence "Ask Bob". He really knows nothing, but he has a car and he takes us out to dinner so we let him have a weekly column, until he disappeared. CURRENT WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN.
Stephen has a serious problem in his head. He was continually kicked in the head when he was a child, causing his head to look like a mashed mango. He knows how to put 2 words together, so we hired him without pay.
Chris was our resident "man on the street". He did not have an actual home and he did live on the street, but he kept our dumpster free of foodstuff which attracted flies and unattractive smells, so we allowed him to give us inside tips on everything. However, he's dead now and quite useless.
Mindy is our secretary. She takes dictation and gets us coffee and other secretarial stuff. We had to mention her here because she told us she would rat us out to our wives.
Tammy works at the local convenience store. We buy cigarettes from her. She told us we make her laugh.
Martin is the editor. He edits stuff. He makes sure no bad words get posted on the website because then we would burn in hell. He cannot spell, though, so any spelling errors are really his fault.
John used to work for us. He made a comment about someone that really pissed a reader off so we fired him.
Svetlana is a naked babe we found on the internet. She doesn't work for us, but she is naked and Norwegian so we have to mention her.
Melissa was the author of the weekly "Chick Shit for Chic Chicks". She was a disgusting, sluttish type of person, but we had to hire her because we had no choice, according to her lawyers. Thankfully, she disappeared and has not been heard or seen for some time.
Bel is considered a genius by few and an idiot by an overwhelming majority. Therefore, we decided to give him his own column since we believe in that Affirmative Action thing. He disappeared around the same time as Melissa.
Jerome is human-like and we use him for experiments, odd jobs and other assorted goodness. He appears and reappears at our bidding because we're mean and have no sense of decency.
Garion is currently in the Witness Protection Program. Even though it might seem a bit odd, Bel Garion and Garion Bel ARE NOT the same person. Really. We wouldn't lie about something like that.
Brian was found working at a full-service gas station as a pump boy. Deciding that he needed more from life, he quit his high wage job and joined theweirdcrap.com staff where he currently works for free.
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