While dribbling my morning coffee on my T-shirt

Well......I've received a frantic notice not to talk of some people. Censorship censrship censorsip.
Not funny.

Half my present difficulties I am unable to address directly because it would be construed as slander.
I mean....how is it possible to explain my difficulties with out being specific?

Like....Social Security Disability people went back ten years and found I worked too much then and kicked me off dsability in October. Without regard to the intervening years work experiance or medical history. How can I say that without sounding like people are picking on me and being unnecessarily mean?

And they claim I owe them 93,000 dollars, which is the grand total of ten years or so of disabiity payments? And they won't release money from my medical benefits I had prepaid during the time my medicare was in force so they can credit my debt?
And they have written me explaining my old age benefits are threatened unless I pay them back?

And between 92 and 97 I held the hands of at least three psychiatrists through their internship at the V.A. hospital and ate piles of these mind pills they wanted me to eat.

And that...well....my point is that reality doesn't matter to them. Paperwork matters to them.
And the idea their mission somehow includes providing benefits to the disabled is secondary to their fidgets with ten year old paperwork they never got around to reviewing.

Meanhle I live under the stars eating hoagies and washing in the creek. I've seen the circumstances of my life totally disolve.

This is a really good rant I have going here, Heh?
I mean....though it may have therapeutic aspects my Doctors would be calling the nurse about now to get a witness so he could commit me.
Either that or rapidly change the topic to the subject of how my "make the world go away" pills have been working this week.

Then ..after getting a rejection on my re-application earlier this month...I find out that because I'v never been in a mental hospital is likely the reason.

My first Doc back in seventy four put me on disability because he figured that was where I was heading. But in the intervenng years the rules have changed and now I suspect I have to go nuts and be committed first to qualify.

I personally have always assumed people were trying to drive me crazy.
Seriously.
And now that I see this is true....

I have the paperwork here in a little wicker case of the evident disassociation in time and the evident psychosis of the social security administration. Overt, concrete black and white proof.
Realty doesn't matter.
It's "Rules are rules".

Because they mad a mistake over ten years ago...an oversight....we are now addressing it without regard to the medical context.
Or the work history context of the intervening ten years.
I feel this is evident dissasociation in time.
And the blindnes to my medical history is psychosis.
As well as the idea that I owe them 93,000 dollars.

Some white collar criminal stole that money , clearer then shit , when they put that debit into their books against me.
Clearly.

This threat to the solvency of the disability system is either incompetance or some one intelligently and consciosly trying to discredit the system's effectiveness.
Criminal negligence or criminal intent , take your pick.

Know what the pisser is?
Social workers for the county and at the Vet Center down town think there s something more going on then what I'm telling. I can't get people to believe me.

However....I think I understand.

As the weather changes and my circumstances become more primal and degenerate I'll go crazy because of the psychosis which surrounds me.
Then after they drive me crazy..I'll qualify for disability.

And I'll go crazy because people are trying to drive me crazy so they can help me.Then they'll help me not be crazy.
Thats the answer.
So I hope they hurry up with it because I can't stand the suspense.

There's so much more to tell but I'm really tired.
I mean this has been going on since January of 98. It's summer 2000 now.

Tired of explaining about the overt persecution I've faced from the land lord to the police to state investigators to immensely difficult hurdles to acquire anti-anxiety medicine etc etc etc.

Everybody thinks I beat the system for 93 thousand. At least....it is certainly fertile to my imagination to see this to be the cause for the persecution.

Everybody is trying to drive me crazy?
Not everybody....just the government and authority figures.

So if I go tell the psyche docs what is happening they'll give me mind pills and lock me up and then I'll qualify again.
Cool, heh?

I'll tell them I had a dream that I was running across this field and all these artillery shells were raining down on me and straddling each shell was a monkey at a keyboard typing in manic delight.

Of course I'm in a psychosis.
Look at the facts.
The reality is a psychosis. I have a firm grip on reality.

Mostly however....besides dribbling coffee on my T-shirt I've been reading best sellers.

War of the Rats" was great.
About the battle of Stalingrad during WW2. "Last Full Measure" about the civil war after Gettysburg. And now going through "Killer Angels" about the battle of Gettysburg.
I draw strength from these tales of courage.

See I believe that mental clarity is a decension of the Grace of God. In fact that it is the Grace of God. Without regard to how you deffine the primal cause of human exsistance and our capacity for abstraction and poetic gesture.

And that this clarity of mind is generated by our capacity for reflection combined with human sentiment.

Thus...the religious advice...the basic advice anyway...from all world religions fortifys us and encourages this advance of man into his true nature. Because most "sin" is compromises of ourselves, or contradictions to our self portrayal which seperates us from our truth. Thus, the rudimentary religious advice promotes clarity within our moral judgements. Even if it is fairy tales.
Best encapsulated perhaps by the line from the Boy Scout Oath ".....to be square."

And when we have allegiance to this divine presence which descends into man because of his allegiance to this divine presence , (I said that as I intended) , then we are following God. Even if we profess intellectually that we don't believe in God.

Knowing or accepting this path implys duty.

Thus I am resisting and doing all I can for truth honor and justice. The american way too.

Where's my cape?
At night when the sun goes down and the dark mists of evening creep from the swamp I run around with my cape on...and a pair of leotards I found in a box out in the garage. I search for evil doers.
They may be lurking anywhere.

The house has padlocks on it, okay?
I've got electricity on the back porch and have the phone wire extended to my terminal so this "Voice of Radio Free Mind" can continue.

I'm trying to focus on victory too.
Lat night this mosquito came around buzzing me. I crack slapped my hands together and sent the little bugger to meet his ancestors and a quick yell of "VICTORY!!!" escaped my lips as the sound of the clap was lost among the trees. I felt a little embaressed . The beagle here with me in the "Garden of Gesthemame" looked at me expecting more as I sheepishly glanced around as if there were another human closer then a quarter mile from here.

I mean it's imporant to count on the smaller victories because maybe things will snowball the otherway if I get enough of these smaller advances. Right?

So......I also have an outhouse. Thank God.
Gotta go.