I can't tell you how sorry I am For having you have to put up with me I'm sorry I'll never be the man of your dreams Or even the one you visualize in your head when you kiss me I'm sorry I don't have strong arms to hold you Or the strength to scold you when you pretend you're in love I'm sorry that I could never be the sexy thing you should have It's too mean for me to let you be repulsed by my touch I'm just sorry I'll never be enough Sorry I'll never be more than a sorry mess You deserve better You deserve so much more better than a ball and chain I'm sorry I'm as unpleasant in the dark As I am in the light - so sorry I'm sorry I have no power or money Sorry I'm not funny to please that beautiful humor you have I'm sorry I'll never be your reason to smile Such a nice smile you have - sorry I don't have one too I'm just sorry I'll never be enough Sorry I'll never be more than a sorry wreck When you deserve better You deserve prizes, not punishment I'm sorry you're wasting away the time That you should spend with someone remotely adequate I'm sorry I must make you go to sleep and cry Punching the bed wondering why you were poisoned with my existance I'm sorry you could never lose interest in me As I've never been interesting enough for you to begin with I'm just sorry I could never be enough Sorry I'm such a sorry sorry stain on your life You deserve someone you can love You deserve more than less than enough Sorry it's another night you'll be haunted by my company When anyone else could make you happy tonight Sorry you'll end another evening pretending You don't wish an ending to the purgatory I'll put you through I'm sorry to stand in your way Of the shiny happy day You'd be having anyway If I weren't keeping you away From the person you deserve - that's nothing like me

Commentary Well, this is definately the all-time ultimate self-loathing song! It plays kind of an important part in my history in a couple ways. This became the first part of a four-song set that chronicled my breakup with a con man where all the songs could either work as individual pieces or together as a whole - the complete set was entitled "I Was a Twenty-Something Victim of FrankenStein's Go-Go Boy Chase". I had actually done something similar a year or two before where i had a trilogy of songs that came out of a breakup and i felt that concept was worth another try. However like the "West Ales" series of songs, when i wrote this first piece, i wasn't thinking that far ahead in that this would be "Part One" of something...it was after it was finished that i realized it would be the start of a series. The main thing i was trying to accomplish in this song was capturing the sense of how easy it is to put all the blame on oneself when a relationship goes completely wrong (even if the other person's completely at fault)...you can see in various parts where the narrarator of the song completely puts the object of the song on a pedestal while completely debasing himself. Like a lot of my songs there's an undercurrent of very tongue-in-cheek humor but it's very horribly tragic at the same time - i remember trying to envision some of the emotional states that come from the victims of a physically abusive relationship. Though self-loathing tends to be a recurring theme in my work, this is a piece where i really wanted to explode it and take it to an outrageous extreme. Of course in the context of the entire set, this is just stage one - the internalization and self-blame...then that's followed by the awakenings of "hey - i'm not the monster here" and the emotional progression that comes with time and hindsight. Another reason why this song means a lot to me is because as an individual piece it does capture a part of myself that still remains a very constant part of my identity and self-image. Knowing i could never be anybody's dream man and staying away from any kind of deep relationship because i know ahead of time that i would not be able to be something that someone i cared about would want. I really haven't dated for a good decade and i don't foresee me ever getting involved with someone - i've long ago accepted that i'm destined to be alone and i've made piece with it. So underneath some of the dark humor of this song there's some very real feelings but that's how i best deal with such things - i can either let them drag me down or i can maintain some sense of humor about them - i may have an extraordinarily self-effacing sense of humor but it IS a sense of humor regardless...if i didn't have that to keep me grounded that it would be very easy to fall into the level of hopelessness that exists in the song.

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