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This is my personal web page. It's a bit different than most personal web pages. It doesn't catalog events, photo albums of myself or friends, or lists of my favorite flavors of ice cream. It's not about the external. It's about the internal.
I'm an actor and a singer. I started writing songs when i was entering my teens (1984) and for a long time after that it was one of my major forms of expression. I stopped writing around the mid 90's when i discovered i was writing about a lot of the same things but just with different metaphors. Then at the end of 1998 i came down with severe bronchitis and it affected a lot of my vocal ability for a long time. It took a few years for me to rebuild it to where i felt comfortable singing in front of others again. Music has always been the spiritual center of my life and when i'm listening to and/or making it is when i'm at my happiest - when i had lost my main forum of catharsis i felt "dead" and not knowing if i ever would sing again i became very suicidal - it was only my fear that a suicide attempt would fail and i'd be stuck in an even worse life as a cripple or locked away somewhere that kept me from going through with it. A life without music was no life at all as far as i was concerned. Not being one for drinking, drugs, or even smoking i turned to my other main source of release...food. It was during that time when i gained 50 pounds.
Thankfully after what seemed like an eternity, my singing ability eventually returned and though i often don't feel it's as good as it once was, i've gotten huge response from whenever i sing - whether it be for fun, at karaoke, or with the Grand Canyon Mens' Chorale (gay male chorus in Phoenix, AZ - yes, i'm also gay.) At the end of my rookie year, i was deeply honored to have received their award for Outstanding Performances 2002-2003. I have a tendancy to be very hard on myself - especially after not being able to sing for so long that a recognition of that type - in a group that has included around 60 people - all very talented - has been a huge wake-up call that maybe, just maybe, i do have some worth and something to contribute to this world i often don't understand.
I haven't written a song since the mid-90's - i felt no need to when i didn't know if i'd ever be able to sing it. Now that i can sing, i've been very afraid of going back into the deep self-exploration that such a practice entails. I know if i wrote again, i'd come up with some intensely dark stuff that i'm really kind of scared of confronting. I do want to overcome that fear though and hopefully these pages will include some new lyrics within this next year.
In the meantime, this page will mainly contain both lyrics to songs i've written in the past (with current commentaries) as well as various musings on art and creativity. I'll probably also include lyrics by other people that i've been inspired by. I plan on including both really deep dark stuff as well as fun lighthearted things like parodies. Being a bit of a techophobe, i don't presently know how to include actual audio files so you can hear me sing some of this stuff...but maybe it will help whatever readers of this page to use their own imaginations and enable them to find their own personal meanings in what's written...which is really what art is all about - the interchange of emotions that can be a shared but unique experience to all that partake. That's why i decided to put this out on a public web page...if there's other people out there that find any of this of value, i'm pleased that i can be a conduit.
Ive chosen the title of "Ultraviolet MUSEings" since the gay community is often represented by the rainbow flag - supposedly to represent diversity in the world at large and within the community itself. But as great an idea as that is, it's far from reality. The gay community is horribly looksist - and having now entered my 30's and not having under 9% body fat, i'm often made to feel like something that's scraped off the bottom of one's shoe. A part of me knows i'm not ugly but what the world at large might consider an "8" is usually seen in the gay world as a "-2" and sometimes i feel really paralyzed when i enter a room of gay people because i know i'm being looked down upon (i still have the burden of a lot of that extra weight i put on when i lost my singing ability). I wish i could say it's just an internal hangup but there's been many a time where i've encountered very direct forms of discrimination because of it - even by people/groups i've previously/otherwise looked up to. Those who don't look like some kind of supermodel in modern gay society are considered deficient and the older and "wider" one gets, the more the entire community wants to ignore them and put them in the trash and pretend they don't exist. The rainbow flag that represents our community shows the colors visible to the human eye in equal proportion...but there are other parts of the spectrum of the rainbow that CAN'T be seen by the human eye. We forget about them; pretend they don't exist. So it seems to me that those who don't come close to resembling Greek Gods are the Ultraviolet (and infrared) parts of the rainbow...they're there - they're just as much a part of the rainbow...but we don't want to see them or acknowledge their existence.
So fine. If i can't (won't) be seen, i at least have a voice and i can be heard. What i lack in visuals, i make up for in audio. And even before i even discovered my sexuality in my late teens or discovered how internally prejudiced the modern American gay world is, i've always been anti-looksist and given the choice i would to this day NEVER want to look like some gym rat or plastic surgery addict...if i ever woke up to find a gorgeous model staring back at me in the mirror i would indeed shoot myself without hesitation. It's what inside that matters and i'd feel just the same whether i was the most gorgeous or the most hideous person on earth physically. By documenting the various parts of myself that stems from the inside on my personal web page, i can perhaps show that what's inside can be very deep and meaningful (i won't say beautiful here because even though inner beauty will always be much more important than outer beauty, i don't wish to just present a censored depiction of myself - i will be showcasing the ugly sides of human nature as much as the pleasant...it's what makes us real, makes us human. I am what i am and what i feel and i often feel very dark. Some of my writings here may scare someone away as much as a scar or a rash of acne would do so on the physical level.) I'm taking a journey down a path of self-exploration i've been afraid of for a while and hopefully not only will i make some of my own valuable discoveries, but maybe whatever readers this page may have will encounter some of their own. Art is the best mirror. It shows us for who we really are instead of letting us know what hairs are out of place.
For anyone who wishes to take it, this will not be an easy ride, but i'll hold your hand during the scary parts if you want me to.
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(Songs marked with an (*) represent personal favorites of mine...some great starting points if you just want to check out a few pieces!)
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