This is Chaos Astrology by Terry McCombs

You use to hear it quite a lot at parties, bars and other `pick-up´ zones. "What´s your sign?" They would ask, and no matter if you regarded the subject with contempt or reverence you more then likely were able to give an answer, saying that you were ether an Aries (and therefore headstrong and forceful), or an Aquarius (unique and original), or a Pisces (and so sensitive and psychic.)

No doubt you have seen the listings of signs and forecasts in the paper each day, or on one Web page or another. Perhaps you have seen one of those cars with plates on the front reading `Carl Capricorn´ or what not.

It's all quite interesting if harmless at that level, but what if you are one of those people who hate it when the subject comes up and you have to tell people that you are a Cancer the Crab? or a Scorpion, or the person insists on pronouncing it as piss--eees the fish.

If that is the case then Chaos Astrology is here to save you. Just think no longer will you be stuck with the same old sun signs that 1/12th of the world's population is stuck with. If someone asks you what your sign is all you have to do is look them straight in the eye and tell them you are under the sign of Corvus the Crow and watch their eyes widen!

Yes now you too can call yourself a Lupus the Wolf, Draco the Dragon, or even Antlia the Air Pump.

As the head of C.R.A.Z.E. (the Chaos Research Agency Zeroing {in on} Everything) I am here to present to you Chaos Astrology, each of the signs of which are just like the other more well known ones in that each of them is based on a for-real constellation.

Below you will find out how to find the most important sign in your Chaos Horoscope, your Conscious Sign. Which is sort of like the Sun Sign in regular astrology, only different, accept for the parts that aren't.

But first one last thought. Many call astrology a pseudo-science, and so if Chaos Astrology is pseudo-astrology then by the double negative rule in English it must be real....right?

                          The Signs

1. Lupus the Wolf. April 1 - May 23rd odd days only.

2. Draco the Dragon. April 2 - May 22rd even days only.

3. Antilia the Air Pump. May 24th - June 26th during the P.M. hours of the day.

4. Cetus the Whale. May 24th - June 26th if born during the A.M. hours of the day.

5. Cassispeia the Lady of the Chair. June 27th - July 9th.

6. Ophiuchus the Serpent Holder. July 10th - Sept. 2ed.

7. Ursa Major the Great Bear. Sept. 3rd - Oct. 3rd. Only for the days with a 2, 3, 5, or 9 in it.

8. Ursa Minor the Little Bear. Sept. 4th - Oct. 4th. All the other days without a 2, 3, 5, or 9.

9. Dorado the Goldfish. Oct. 5th - Oct. 18th and Nov. 3rd - Nov. 9th.

10. Vulpecla the Fox. Oct. 19 - Nov. 2ed.

11. Corvus the Crow. Nov 10th - Dec. 28th.

12. Aquila the Eagle. Dec. 29th - Feb 13th.

13. Moncero the Unicorn. Feb. 14th - March 31st.

Lupus the Wolf

Name: Lupus the Wolf.

Time of the Year: April 1st - May 23rd. Odd numbered days only.

Ruling Planet: Klingon Home World.

Element: Moon Light.

Color: Mostly brownish gray, or russet.

Gem: Petrified Wood.

Flower: Wolfbane.

Part of the Body Ruled: Tips of the Ears.

Famous people born under the sign: Lon Chaney Jr, Cujo, Lassie, Wile Coyote, Worf, Conan, the Big Bad Wolf, Odie, Snoopy, Rin Tin Tin, Buddy, Snoop Doggy Dog, Courage, Joan Collins.

Best occupation for the sign: Night Watchman, Tracker, Best Friend, Repo man, Head hammer man in a slaughter house, DEA agent.

Foods Ruled by the Sign: Biscuits, Red meat, Raw meat, Raw red bleeding meat, Glack, Anything that comes in a box and makes a sound when you shake it.

Condiment: Black Pepper.

Clothing Ruled by the Sign: Fur. Biker Jackets. Hats with ear flaps.

Books, Films & Music under the sign: Call of the Wild, Lassie Come Home, White Fang, 101 Dalmations, Silence of the Lambs, Three Dog Night.

About the sign: It's easy to spot the Lupus the Wolf in any group of people, they are ether the leader of the pack, or the bright eyed friendly guy or gal who seems to sum the word loyal. But watch it!

Because even the most loyal Lupusians can find their wet little noses out of joint if you rub them the wrong way, and the last thing you want to be is the rooster within the sort end of the chain if one of the members of this sign thinks you are after their bone; they can really turn into a monster or cold hearted bitch.

If you were born under the sign of Lupus the Wolf, you are the type of person that never gives up, but be careful that you don't waste all you breath on projects that are going nowhere, or leading you around and around in a circle trying to grab something you can't.

You also have to watch out that you do not go to far the other way and let the quick red fox jump over you!

If you sniff out that ether of these things are happening don't be afraid to take some time off to howl at moon. After all even you can learn a few new tricks.

Draco the Dragon

Name: Draco the Dragon.

Time of the Year: April 2ed - May 22ed. Even numbered days only.

Ruling Planet: Pern.

Element: Atomic Fire.

Color: Green and red all over.

Gem: Amber

Flower: Snap Dragon.

Part of the Body Ruled: Back of the Mouth.

Famous people under the sign: Bruce Lee, Puff (Magic), Smoge, Godzilla, Barney, Fin Fang Foom, Puff (Daddy), Deano, Kwai Chang Caine, the Dragon Lady, Puff (And Stuff), the Creature from the Black Lagoon, Dracula.

Best occupation for the sign: Arson investigator, Arsonist, Fire eater, Fire & Brimstone preacher, Kung Fu teacher, Large Flying Fire Breathing Lizard, Owner of barbecue restaurant, Urban renewal expert in Japan.

Best foods for the sign: Devil food cake, Dragons Ears, peppers, cinnamon, things that come out of shiny tin cans.

Condiment Ruled by the Sign: Cayenne Pepper.

Clothing Ruled by the Sign: Corsets. Coats that Firemen wear. Hiking Boots.

Books, Films and Music of the sign: The Hobbit, Tarzan at the Earth's Core, The Dragon and the George, Coil.

About the sign: Don't let that sleepy looking guy or gal fool you. Inside they are a human dynamo, a regular living volcano, sure they may at times seem quaint and old-fashioned, or turn on others and burn them to the ground with a sarcastic response.

But watch out you Draconians! That fire can burn both ways, so you had better learn to control that inner heat or you will end up stunk on the lance of you own actions.

Your best bet is to find out what is really important to you, what your real treasure in life is. When you have done that hoard it up and sleep on it until you really understand what it is all about.

At the same time keep an eye out for those seemingly harmless little people whom may seem all but invisible to you. They can ring in big trouble for the unwary Draconian.

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