REBECCA'S FAVORITE JOKES
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REBECCA'S FAVORITE JOKES |
THIS PANDA GOES INTO A RESTAURANT AND ORDERS SOME FOOD -- A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH OR SOMETHING. WHEN THE WAITER BRINGS IT, THE PANDA SCARFS IT DOWN, THEN SHOOTS THE WAITER AND RUNS OUT OF THE RESTAURANT. THE MANAGER GIVES CHASE, AND SOON CAPTURES THE PANDA. THE PANDA SAYS, "HEY, IT'S NOT MY FAULT! LOOK UP 'PANDA' IN THE DICTIONARY."
THE MANAGER JUST HAPPENS TO HAVE A POCKET DICTIONARY WITH HIM, SO HE THUMBS THROUGH THE "P'S" TILL HE COMES TO PANDA.
IT SAYS: "PANDA--ANIMAL THAT EATS SHOOTS & LEAVES."
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up, nuts!" And the inmates complied by standing up.
After the anthem he yelled, "Down, nuts!" And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, "Cheer, nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.
"Well," the assistant replied, "everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"
SOME INDIANA FOLKS WERE
VISITING THEIR KENTUCKY COUSINS. IN THE MIDDLE OF DINNER, ONE OF THE YOUNG KENTUCKY COUSINS STARTS FLAPPING HIS ARMS AND SQUAWKING LIKE A CHICKEN. ONE OF THE INDIANA COUSINS SUGGESTS THAT THE PARENTS TAKE THE POOR DELUDED CHILD TO GET SOME PROFESSIONAL HELP.
THE BOY'S PARENTS RESPOND, "WE WOULD, BUT WE NEED THE EGGS!"
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VOLTAIRE, ROBESPIERRE, AND THE PHILOSOPHER RENEE DESCARTES GO INTO A BAR. THEY BEGIN TO ARGUE OVER WHOSE TURN IT IS TO PAY FOR A ROUND OF DRINKS. VOLTAIRE SWEARS THAT HE PAID FOR THE LAST ONE, AND THAT IT IS DESCARTES' TURN TO BUY DRINKS FOR EVERYONE.
DESCARTES SAYS, "I THINK NOT!"
AND (POOF!) HE DISAPPEARS.
TWO THIEVES ARE SNEAKING AROUND IN A DARK HOUSE. SUDDENLY, THEY HEAR A TINY VOICE SAY, "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!"
MOMENTARILY STUNNED, ONE OF THE THIEVES SAYS, "WHO'S THERE?"
THIS PARROT RESPONDS, "IT IS I, THE PARROT, MOSES!"
THE THIEVES BEGIN TO LAUGH. "MAN, WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE WOULD NAME A PARROT 'MOSES'?," ONE OF THEM ASKS.
"I DON'T KNOW," SAYS THE PARROT. "THE KIND OF PEOPLE WHO WOULD NAME A ROTTWEILER 'JESUS', I GUESS!"
There was a tiger who woke up one morning, and just felt great. He felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."
A little while later the tiger confronts a deer, and bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
The elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black; and finally tosses him casually into a nearby bush.
The tiger staggers to his feet, shakes his head and looks at the elephant and says: "Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so mad!"
I like dogs. I do. But they're not that bright, really. Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!" -- Jerry Seinfeld
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